Opening Up To Love

I used to date guys who would be very inattentive, unresponsive, annoying, or too clingy.

I dated guys who would cheat on me, lie to me, verbally abuse me (I would take it because I’m ‘tough’ and it’s ‘no big deal if I’m emotionally strong enough’), guys who would constantly hit on, flirt with, or even talk to other girls.

I dated guys I didn’t even like because I had a scarcity mindset around love and never wanted to be left alone.

My biggest fear was not death. It was dying alone.

I had a few really crappy breakups. Then I built some ‘really really strong’ walls and I was SO quick to tear them down (this was good and bad).

I constantly attracted this terrible treatment. 
I always felt like everything was on me.

I also always knew I deserved better.

Around this same time I was in my state of mind where I was: 
Hating my body 
Not eating right or exercising much unless it was volleyball practice.

(None of these habits were because of guys in my life, they were my own issues)

The guys I was attracting actually mirrored my behavior to myself.

I mean seriously.

I was setting this careless example of how someone can treat me because I was treating myself poorly.

Now, I don’t believe it’s ever ‘justified’ to treat someone poorly but I do believe it is our responsibility to have intentions and clear boundaries or ability to express ourselves.

After a breakup (cheated on me at a party and I found out from a friend of mine who actually had photos to prove it to me because I wouldn’t have believed it) I decided things needed to change for me.

That’s when I really started taking care of myself physically.

As you all know from following me, the physical results were amazing but there was something still missing; inner growth, peace, and deep self-love.

I loved myself enough to change yes.

But not enough to recognize the unhealthy patterns I was developing, or the negative self talk and hate on my body, or the consistent holding down into a depressed funk and being anxious always because ‘it was more comfortable than change and I would never change’

I met some awesome guys. But nothing that ever ‘did it’ for me, nothing that was worth forming a real relationship over.

Either they were:
–Into drugs, drinking, and other girls. 
–Not willing to commit. 
–Verbally abusive. 
–Didn’t understand me and my lifestyle or my desire to always be focused on serving others through my business.

Eventually I started focusing on the inner work because after all this I was awake enough to realize that something major was missing from the industry. The thing that was missing was and is causing all of the constant viscous cycles.

That’s when I realized fitness was about Building More Than Just a Body.

So I started doing just that. 
–Went to therapy. 
–Had deep stares in the mirror with myself just feeling emotion and allowing myself to feel emotions and address them. 
–Recognized what I was great at and allowed myself to know it. 
–Did more of what I truly loved. 
–so much more, seriously I could go on.

Then something amazing happened.

This guy id see at the gym all the time walked up to me and this ‘guy I thought I was seeing at the time but was really just playing me but was also this guy I always say at the gyms friend’ *deep breath lol* came up to me and the other guy and said: 
”Hey, I’m Robbie by the way” 
*hand shake* 
”Oh hi I’m Celeste” 
Eventually He commented on my fitness IG pic and we would strategically go to gym at same time and I’d somehow end up doing abs with him :p

We snap chatted, I got his number, *insert other minor details here that I love but don’t need for this story right now*

Then some things happened in between like volleyball tournaments etc etc.

At the gym one day he says something about his back being sore or hurting. 
I didn’t even hesitate to say ‘do you like jacuzzis?’ 
He said, ‘yes’ 
I said, ‘wanna come over to my jacuzzi?’ 
He said, ‘oh yeah sure sometime’ 
I said, ‘tomorrow?’ 
He said, ‘oh okay yeah sure’

March 3rd we hung out. In the jacuzzi. 
We have been inseparable ever since! Seriously. I can’t get enough. 
Lots of laughter. 
Working out. 
Long nights. 
Long fulfilling Conversations. 
Warm hugs. 
Sweet kisses. 
Ups. Downs. 

What am I getting at?

When I started showing myself true self-love and sincere actions of appreciation for myself I was able to ask for what I want and get it.

When I met him. I went for it.

The first day we hung out for literally the whole night and I told him I didn’t ask him to hang just to be friends and that I was interested in him (why waste my time you know? Had done enough of that, I needed an action taker now anyways and I wasn’t even looking for a boyfriend because, walls and the next guy was going to be ‘the guy’)

Could barely tell if he was really into me.

Then after countless days together. (Okay it was 9 days)
I Knew he was. We started being ‘official’ on the 12th of March.

I fell in love with Robbie around May.
I didn’t tell him until Christmas Eve of our first year together for…reasons. 
We had our ups and downs but always came out stronger. That’s something I always love about us. 
And the story continues…

He was with me through EVERY big change in my life. Seriously every single one that happened after I got certified as a Personal trainer. Which says a lot about him since well I have come a LONG way in many aspects of my life.

I never thought my person would be as cool as Robbie is. But, damn he is awesome. 
(I could go on about him but I’ll save it for Valentines Day or something cheesy )

Here’s the thing, 
I truly believe I would have never been open to receiving the love I receive every day from Robbie if I wasn’t already giving it to myself. 
If I stopped loving myself right now I know that our relationship would go haywire. 

Self-love is the beginning of all great things. 
Self-Love is empowering and I believe it is necessary to living your most free and fulfilled life. 
Like I always say, The more Love you have for yourself then the more love you can radiate out into the world and thus, the more love you can receive.

The outer world is such a deep reflection of our inner world.

Want even more love on the outside? 
Find more love on the inside.

As controversial as it might sound, 
Love is never found outside of ourselves. 
It is always found within. 
Because until we truly love ourselves, accepting, expecting, or receiving love from others can be a very difficult task.

The love I have with Robbie is special and unique. 
The love I have with myself is amazing, expansive, and beautiful and I am on a mission to help other women feel this way too.

I have two people who see the vision, support my vision, support me, know what I want and support me in getting there. And the list goes on. I couldn’t ask for much more from myself and Robbie.

Remember, you are a soul. 
Living in a Body. 
We are building your soul, and your body, together. Because you my friend, are so much deeper than surface level. And this life? Oh my gosh is it even more beautiful with more love.


Celeste Rains-Turk
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